It feels like forever since I properly checked in which is ridiculous because I have so many amazing outfits to be shared with you just sat in my wardrobe ready to be photographed. Since my last post, my head has been all over the place and I certainly did enter a sugar coma after Christmas/New Year - it's a tradition OK! I'm gonna rewind back to November when I turned the important age of twenty-one - how the bloody hell did that happen? To you readers, it's most likely not a big deal but to say the sentence "I am twenty-one" out loud is a shock. Time goes by so slowly, yet so quickly and all of a sudden life slaps you in the face and you're not a little girl anymore. And then BOOM. Life comes around again and you're saying goodbye to all your high school friends at prom. And then WHAM. You're twenty-one - recognised as an adult in 'the real world' or a little fish in the ocean as I would put it. It's terrifying. Admittedly, I'm still happy I don't get hangovers from hell three days after and also I was surprised with a unicorn cake so I guess in all, I'm not thaaaat old! But let's just remind ourselves that it's not all doom and gloom when you get older. You can still have fun!
They say you're meant to have your shit together by now but let me just make something abundantly clear to you - you're most definitely NOT meant to have your shit together! It honestly baffles me when people say this because where do you end up? On the next train to 'Stressville', that's where. On my days off away from the cafe, you'd think I'd want to escape the sound of milk boiling and the endless shrieks from kids screaming over not being aloud a sugary treat but the truth is, I often do sit in coffee shops. I'll usually be found with my earphones in listening to The Cure or when I'm feeling a sing-along (in my head of course...) I'll skip to 'You Can Call Me Al' by Paul Simon on repeat. A question I ask myself pretty much every week is, "What am I doing with my life?". The only answer to that is nothing and guess what, that is totally fine! I'm sat here typing this out whilst laughing at myself because about a month ago I was in floods of tears knowing everybody else was achieving goals and well, all I was doing was sitting drinking decaf soya lattes watching the world go by. But in all honesty, I needed to calm down. I truly believe this constant worry started in high school assemblies, being forced to make life decisions on the spot at the age of seventeen years old. Now that was AND is a load of bollocks. Deep down I would love if teachers nowadays had the decency to tell you "You don't need to have it all planned out right now, that's just a myth." instead of ramming copious applications down your neck. That's definitely one regret I have when I was in my last year of high school - the constant pressure to have my life mapped out on paper.
Photography has always been an ever-growing passion of mines so after leaving school, I decided studying the subject in more detail at college was best. College is basically a step up from school, you have more freedom and independency, something which I found difficult at first. I went onto this course believing I wanted to be the next female version of Bailey but that didn't happen. I remember after six months on the course, I was completely lost. Yes, I was passing each test with flying colours and reaching deadlines on time but I just wasn't enjoying it. It almost became a chore. I didn't want to put photography in the same category as doing the dishes on a Sunday evening but it kinda just fell into it unfortunately. At the end of the day I passed, but all I can take away from my time there was the experience, meeting some amazing people and the buzz about knowing my camera inside & out. All that stress caused me not to pick up my camera for over a year. Yep, my lil' Canon baby just sat in a drawer collecting dust. How sad is that? But now, I've found the courage to snap snap snap and ONLY call photography my hobby, and I can't tell you how much happier that has made me! There are no deadlines or twirling with the hair, when worryingly waiting for the next project to be announced AND I luuuurve it. One thing that I do miss about education is well, the bus journey to and from college. Does that sound bad? Probably... Travelling by the sea (and past the nearest Asda -classy huh...) was something I enjoyed. Maybe it was because I'm such a dreamer when I have my earphones plugged in and imagine my life like in the film 'God Help The Girl' or just simply enjoyed guessing the jobs of each person who stepped onto the bus. Who blaaady knows!?
Like everyone on this living earth, I've got many dreams that I wish to come true. One being, singing in a band - not in the shower but on a stage! Two, succeeding in blogging and three, well you know what that is...owning my very own sausage dog of course. To say I feel content in my life would be an utter lie. I'm currently in a job that doesn't satisfy me and most days when I walk in through the doors, I want to stick my head in a blender. Feeling so tied down to a job is as grim as it sounds and working with your manager every single day who talks down at you, making you feel unworthy, well now that ladies and gentlemen isn't even worth a penny. It's important to feel self gratification. Since turning twenty-one, it has only appeared to me that I am stuck in the biggest rut ever and change is needed. I know that I'm worth more than continuous cups of black coffee and toasted fruit scones. It's time to kick myself into gear sooner rather than later. Even if that is a different but more appropriate cafe job! But when it comes down to applying for jobs and you then get knocked back, well that is where us humans come crashing back down to believing that it's the end of the road when really, it isn't. It's all about experience. Each interview is a learning curve, discovering the areas that you need to improve on so don't see it as a negative like what I've been doing. In fact, see it is a confidence booster! Let's get serious, you have to work hard to get the things in life you wish for but you know what, that is all part of becoming a better version of yourself.
Although I haven't yet found my feet and let's face it, I probably won't in the next coming twenty years. But I now know that it's normal and just as Bob Marley once sang "Every little thing is gonna be alright", it will be. I will get there. You will get there. There is no such thing as 'you have to attend college or university to succeed in life'. Totes go for it if you know what your desired path is but don't get in a mad panic if that path doesn't exist for you...yet. Because comparison is an ugly lil' thang! There will be a day when a lightbulb sparks up above your head and you'll instantly know where you want to go in life - it just takes time that's all, just like curling your hair takes time! If you feel like you're drowning in the same ocean as me don't worry, I've made room for you on this floating door unlike Rose...(shit Titanic reference, I know...). But remember this lovelies, if you're not happy with something then change it and if you can't change it...GET RID OF IT!
The next part of this post is on a subject that I'm a little on the touchy side about but I figured it briefly needed to play a part. My intention is and will always be to chat about fashion on my blog but recently I've decided I want this to be a place where I can share my thoughts, feelings, and personal matters with you all. I guess it's like an online journal? Before I begin, I want to point out that this is brief points & it's mainly for my benefit as I've found that expressing myself through writing is a number one healer but I'd like to hopefully on some level help any of you who are or have went through a similar matter like this. So let's begin shall we...
They say you're meant to have your shit together by now but let me just make something abundantly clear to you - you're most definitely NOT meant to have your shit together! It honestly baffles me when people say this because where do you end up? On the next train to 'Stressville', that's where. On my days off away from the cafe, you'd think I'd want to escape the sound of milk boiling and the endless shrieks from kids screaming over not being aloud a sugary treat but the truth is, I often do sit in coffee shops. I'll usually be found with my earphones in listening to The Cure or when I'm feeling a sing-along (in my head of course...) I'll skip to 'You Can Call Me Al' by Paul Simon on repeat. A question I ask myself pretty much every week is, "What am I doing with my life?". The only answer to that is nothing and guess what, that is totally fine! I'm sat here typing this out whilst laughing at myself because about a month ago I was in floods of tears knowing everybody else was achieving goals and well, all I was doing was sitting drinking decaf soya lattes watching the world go by. But in all honesty, I needed to calm down. I truly believe this constant worry started in high school assemblies, being forced to make life decisions on the spot at the age of seventeen years old. Now that was AND is a load of bollocks. Deep down I would love if teachers nowadays had the decency to tell you "You don't need to have it all planned out right now, that's just a myth." instead of ramming copious applications down your neck. That's definitely one regret I have when I was in my last year of high school - the constant pressure to have my life mapped out on paper.
Photography has always been an ever-growing passion of mines so after leaving school, I decided studying the subject in more detail at college was best. College is basically a step up from school, you have more freedom and independency, something which I found difficult at first. I went onto this course believing I wanted to be the next female version of Bailey but that didn't happen. I remember after six months on the course, I was completely lost. Yes, I was passing each test with flying colours and reaching deadlines on time but I just wasn't enjoying it. It almost became a chore. I didn't want to put photography in the same category as doing the dishes on a Sunday evening but it kinda just fell into it unfortunately. At the end of the day I passed, but all I can take away from my time there was the experience, meeting some amazing people and the buzz about knowing my camera inside & out. All that stress caused me not to pick up my camera for over a year. Yep, my lil' Canon baby just sat in a drawer collecting dust. How sad is that? But now, I've found the courage to snap snap snap and ONLY call photography my hobby, and I can't tell you how much happier that has made me! There are no deadlines or twirling with the hair, when worryingly waiting for the next project to be announced AND I luuuurve it. One thing that I do miss about education is well, the bus journey to and from college. Does that sound bad? Probably... Travelling by the sea (and past the nearest Asda -classy huh...) was something I enjoyed. Maybe it was because I'm such a dreamer when I have my earphones plugged in and imagine my life like in the film 'God Help The Girl' or just simply enjoyed guessing the jobs of each person who stepped onto the bus. Who blaaady knows!?
Like everyone on this living earth, I've got many dreams that I wish to come true. One being, singing in a band - not in the shower but on a stage! Two, succeeding in blogging and three, well you know what that is...owning my very own sausage dog of course. To say I feel content in my life would be an utter lie. I'm currently in a job that doesn't satisfy me and most days when I walk in through the doors, I want to stick my head in a blender. Feeling so tied down to a job is as grim as it sounds and working with your manager every single day who talks down at you, making you feel unworthy, well now that ladies and gentlemen isn't even worth a penny. It's important to feel self gratification. Since turning twenty-one, it has only appeared to me that I am stuck in the biggest rut ever and change is needed. I know that I'm worth more than continuous cups of black coffee and toasted fruit scones. It's time to kick myself into gear sooner rather than later. Even if that is a different but more appropriate cafe job! But when it comes down to applying for jobs and you then get knocked back, well that is where us humans come crashing back down to believing that it's the end of the road when really, it isn't. It's all about experience. Each interview is a learning curve, discovering the areas that you need to improve on so don't see it as a negative like what I've been doing. In fact, see it is a confidence booster! Let's get serious, you have to work hard to get the things in life you wish for but you know what, that is all part of becoming a better version of yourself.
Although I haven't yet found my feet and let's face it, I probably won't in the next coming twenty years. But I now know that it's normal and just as Bob Marley once sang "Every little thing is gonna be alright", it will be. I will get there. You will get there. There is no such thing as 'you have to attend college or university to succeed in life'. Totes go for it if you know what your desired path is but don't get in a mad panic if that path doesn't exist for you...yet. Because comparison is an ugly lil' thang! There will be a day when a lightbulb sparks up above your head and you'll instantly know where you want to go in life - it just takes time that's all, just like curling your hair takes time! If you feel like you're drowning in the same ocean as me don't worry, I've made room for you on this floating door unlike Rose...(shit Titanic reference, I know...). But remember this lovelies, if you're not happy with something then change it and if you can't change it...GET RID OF IT!
The next part of this post is on a subject that I'm a little on the touchy side about but I figured it briefly needed to play a part. My intention is and will always be to chat about fashion on my blog but recently I've decided I want this to be a place where I can share my thoughts, feelings, and personal matters with you all. I guess it's like an online journal? Before I begin, I want to point out that this is brief points & it's mainly for my benefit as I've found that expressing myself through writing is a number one healer but I'd like to hopefully on some level help any of you who are or have went through a similar matter like this. So let's begin shall we...
There's no easy way to say this but heartache is brutal. But we all seem to keep putting ourselves through it time and time again. There's literally only one positive point that you can take away from heartache. It's always a lesson learnt, it teaches you what you want and more importantly what you DON'T want. If there was some kind of award gained from heartache, I feel I would have a cabinet filled up. I do feel a lil' uneasy typing this down as I mentioned but I'm going to because it's been apart of me for the past six months. I spent a year with someone who treated me kindly for half a year and the rest of it, appallingly. Of course at the beginning of every relationship, you get that butterfly feeling each time you see the other person. Quite frankly you're living in a fairytale or what most people like to refer it to as the honeymoon' stage. Planning trips away, doing grown-up things side by side and even picturing your first flat together. It's that new and exciting feeling that we ALL love and crave for but it shouldn't only last for so many months...nuh uh! For me, I was always consistent throughout. I never changed as a person. But for him, it was different - he became the person who I didn't fall in love with. So many people nowadays put their best selves forward in order to gain what they want, and okay, yes, that is true but very rarely it doesn't often end well... He was the type of guy who just ended up ruining every occasion for me - my birthday, New Year's Eve, Latitude Festival...you name it! I was never able to enjoy myself because I was always on edge. Every little thing that had went wrong, I saw it as something that I personally was doing wrong. Another point is, that if I had anything to say then it wasn't important enough e.g. discovering a new band for us to listen to, well they never got played... So even that triggered me into feeling like I was yesterdays newspaper. I was just there. Hovering beside him & only mattered when it suited him. The relationship made me feel so insecure and depressed and even left me in small panic attacks that I'd never in my life encountered before. Believing that I was the problem when really, the elephant in the room was his selfishness. How that didn't scream unhealthy to me is a mystery in itself. Nobody should ever put you in that box even if they don't realise when they're doing it.
"Most relationships end because once the person has you, they stop doing the things it took to get you."
Looking back, I spent months putting up with it because first love made me believe that despite all the bad times, it was him and only him responsible for my happiness. How. Insane. Is. That? If I had a time machine, do you know what I would do? I'd go back in time to this time last year and possibly kick myself in the head and then hit him on the head too (numerous times). Yes, he is 100% to blame for my upset but you have to kind of ask yourself, was there anything I could have done to make it better? The answer is yes, I could have, but no, I didn't. I just brushed past the negativity with my head held high. Spending months of my life not speaking up for myself when he made me feel guilty for a series of things is such a big regret of mines. I do briefly remember one night where I ran to the bathroom, collapsed on the floor & a flood of tears rushed down my face - whilst he was sleeping - of course. GIRLS! That is no relationship! I was never the girl to cry continuously (this was every week may I add...) I was always the positive bee but he turned me into a grey cloud - literally. As cheesy as it is, I did in fact lose who I was in this rocky rollercoaster of a relationship. All in all, it is true what they say...you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors or an Instagram photo.
Never deny yourself to be upset. Mourn for as long as you like. You're literally saying goodbye to the life you knew, and most of all the person you knew. Get most of your sadness out, even if that does mean having minor breakdowns at work - yes I'm your number one culprit... I've cried at the train station, in changing rooms (yup) and even in the shower. Don't go listening to the people who say "But why are you still so angry/upset by it?" because they simply don't understand. You just gotta talk it out though. I don't think I can count on both hands how many times that I've repeatedly ranted all of my emotions out to my sister without her nodding off to sleep (much appreciated hun). Even go buy a notebook and write down bullet points of how you're feeling. Just remember you HAVE to acknowledge it at some point. Heartache most definitely does not have a sell-by date on it. You will reach the light at the end of the tunnel when it's right for you. Not when somebody else says so! One day you'll wake up and feel horrified that you were ever that girl but then you gain a sense of relief & it becomes history. Admittedly, I'm not at that stage yet but like I mentioned, time is your number one healer. Deep down I know that I will reach that stage because everything in life is temporary and we're all just travelling in & out of scenarios whether that is meeting new people, purchasing new items or experiencing new feelings. I just gotta hold onto my seatbelt and wait a couple more hours, days or months to reach that final destination when it feels right for me.
"If your heart hurts after letting go of something or someone, that's okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine."
So how do I feel now, I hear you ask? The truth is I still feel lost. I'm not gonna see this as a negative because we're all various versions of each other and our minds are not always in the same place. But everyone loves to be loved and it's one of the main intentions us humans have, am I right? Some people can easily be content on their own and the other half just find it a teeny weeny bit difficult. I've experienced deep feelings of loneliness and still do from time to time. There will be days where I can happily wander around town on my tod but there will be days where I crave the need to have somebody by my side. But this is just waves of emotions going up n' down on the heartache scale. I don't miss him as a person but I do miss having that feeling of being comfortable around someone. Y'know, that feeling where you're not embarrassed to have your legs on show because that person doesn't give a damn about your hairy monkey legs. It's weird. I miss a lot of things, I can tell you that for sure. But please don't be like me and drill into your head that you're never going to meet anybody else again because in reality that is one big fat lie. Of course, I'm going to meet someone new, I just don't know when yet... Trust that you will stumble across whatever it is you're looking for at some point in the near future and that, that past relationship just wasn't made for you but ssssh another one will be. My main aim in life right now (this should be yours too lovelies) is to feel content in my own skin before getting into a new relationship. A positive that I can share, is that I'm enjoying the freedom that comes from being detached and appreciating the opportunity to gain new interests or familiarising myself with old hobbies instead of stressing over how my other half is going to treat me on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. I've recently gained a tad bit more confidence when photographing my outfits daily because before I'd shy away but now I've got the sass like "Draw me like one of your French girls" (second Titanic reference there, what lucky dawgs you all are). PLUS the one major perk about being a single lady is that you've got full control over the t.v, films and takeout choices - how about that eh? Something that has stuck with me which I'll always remember is when a lady once said to me in a taxi queue, "You two look like a wonderful couple" and it's only just made me realise the importance of that sentence. Yes, any two people can look like a good match but that doesn't necessarily mean they can work together. Don't go getting into a relationship with another human being if it's only for aesthetic reasons & how good they will look by your side. This should be a massive warning sign and a big no no (just a friendly Lou reminder *winks*).
"The most beautiful thing you can do for your future lover, is learning how to love yourself before you meet them."
I've made a few new best friends these past five months, one being the most gorgeous girl band - Haim (their latest album was deffo written for me, especially the song 'You Never Knew' - also a bop too!) and secondly, a book written by Billy Chapata called 'Flawers' which recently I've indulged into. I wanted to give this book a shoutout because in all honestly I'm not someone who has been into reading self love books but oh-em-gee, I'm completely hooked. It's more like a bible full of words reminding you to love yourself and to stop beating yourself up over situations that have ended. This gem is sat on my bedside table and I pretty much grab it each evening to calm my mind instead of letting negative thoughts churn away in my head for two hours... Also, not to mention that most of my saved images on Instagram are healing related - it's like quote central over there! I'm learning that this is just another passing chapter in my life (purposely placed here to make it meaningful & interesting of course) which may not be a highlight but it's in fact, building me up to become a better version of who I am. Moral of the story, you are way more superior and mature than a fake, selfish lad! You got this! The. End.
Lou x
Striped Top - H&M
Midi Skirt - Topshop
Boots - Office
